I’ve been thinking a lot about my grandmother Beatrice who I never had the chance of meeting. It’s not for me to question the things that have happened but I couldn’t help but wonder how different life would have been if she were still alive. I think about how close our family would be if she were here, how loved I might’ve felt growing up or if I’d even be here.
Her death had such a huge impact on my mother who was only five years old when her mother passed after giving birth to my aunt. I often think about her because I can’t help but wonder that my mother would have been happier growing up raised by her own mother. I believe that because of her pain she deprived us from what she wanted for herself. Sort of like, “if I didn’t have it why should they“ kind of thing. How incredibly sad would that be if it were in fact the case.
All the stories I heard about my grandmother were so loving and full of joy recalling her spirit, especially her love for children. Why couldn’t I have that? Why was I rather a victim of the loss of her instead of being abundantly blessed by a loving grandmother I so needed? I wish I knew the answer to that. I can only hope to be that for my own grandchildren one day.
All these years growing up even to this day feeling like I don’t belong anywhere or that my family doesn’t love me has given me so much will to be that for my children’s children. It’s probably another 20 something years but I honestly can’t wait to be a grandmother. I’m going to be a legend in my family people!
@theladyebug 
As a little girl I always ached for a mother who would read to me, sing to me, smile at me…simply love me. I also craved a grandmother who would bake cookies with me, tell me stories, and treat me like someone special. In the dysfunctional, abusive world I lived in those gentle acts of mother and grandmother were completely alien. Instinctively, I knew exactly the kind of mother I wanted to be (and I was) and the kind of grandmother I would be. I am now in those grandmother years and I am enjoying every moment of them. What a joy it is to do for my precious little ones all the things that I once missed out on. I’m discovering I didn’t miss out on them at all as I have the privilege of sharing in all those moments with my own grandchildren. Hang on to those thoughts and plans of yours! When those days arrive you will cherish them just as much as your grandchildren do!
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This made me smile from the inside. Thanks so much! You have a beautiful heart I can tell. 😘
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